Social skillz: Iy hazen’t gots ’em.

Some amusing stories from this week’s awkwardness:

(WARNING: EXTREME GEEKERY AHOY)

Facepalm #1:  I was at Safeway, getting groceries.  That’s typically what I do there.  This time I was foraging for supplies for my beautiful lettuce wraps.  I got there late, around 5:30, so it was GD busy and I was tired and hungry.  After I managed to get to the front of a line, I chatted with the friendly cashier about absolutely nothing.  Mostly about reusable bags and how “you only live once!” after I mentioned getting M&M’s (my not-so-secret indulgence).  My response was, “Well, you only live once until you’re 50 or until you’re 80.”  She laughed politely.  I don’t really know what I was getting at with that remark.  Then, I went to pick up my two bags and 2-pack of Honey Nut Cheerios (OM NOM NOM).  I failed.  Hard.  Dropped the box, sent it skittering across the floor towards a helpful young man who picked it up for me.  By this time I was holding onto my heaviest bag, my purse, and my keys with 2 fingers with my box tucked under my other arm with the light bag.  Trying to remain composed, I thanked the guy, even flashed him a winning smile.  “Teamwork!” he said brightly.  “Oh yeah!” I said lamely.

On an unrelated note, I forgot mushrooms for my lettuce wraps.

Facepalm #2:  It was a friend’s birthday.  I’d sent a rather lame, run-of-the-mill text after finding out last-minute that I hadn’t missed it yet.  Mostly about getting old, har-dee-har.  The next day I was back at school, doing some small group work on sexually transmitted infections (no, this was not experiential learning).  We were done early and dispersed into the sunlit hallway.  I wandered down the hall, fiddling with my iPod (I’m terrible for skipping through half the songs on shuffle), probably humming to myself.  When I looked up, there they were with some friends.  “Perfect!” I thought.  “Now I can say happy birthday properly, none of this lame texting nonsense.”  And then a funny thing happened.  When I got within 5 feet, my brain went into “avoid and evade” mode.  Couldn’t even look them in the face.  So I stared very, very hard at my iPod, skipping past several songs I liked so I wouldn’t be caught staring at the main screen.  WTF.

Facepalm #3:  I was guiding a bunch of teenagers from Snell Hall in the hospital to the Maz building for Discovery Day – it’s basically a health science workshop day where they can pick all manner of cool stuff to do.  We were headed to the MRI machines to see how they worked in either a neuro or cardiac capacity.  I chatted with them as we walked along about whatever, their school, their cool T-shirt, the cool prize they won that morning… and when we got to the classroom, I elected to stand in the doorway.  I’d been in class all morning and it was a small blessing to be able to stand for a bit.  Another girl standing in the doorway with me asked if I wanted to sit down, which I declined for the reasons detailed above.  After a beat, I asked them whether they were in grade 12, like most of the students.  They looked at me a bit odd.  Then I noticed how very, very wrong I’d gone.  She was a grad student.  He was a clinical researcher.  DAMMIT, THEY WERE WEARING T-SHIRTS.  And she was really short.  Not fair.  Luckily for me, they laughed it off, found it very hilarious, hah hah hah…  So now I’d succeeded in making myself look absolutely ridiculous in front of these intelligent, friendly people.  I can almost hear his thoughts… “God, they’ll let anybody into med school these days.”

I offer these woeful stories to you as a cautionary tale.  Don’t let your kids be the unsociable, idiotic, usefulness-of-a-burnt-out-lightbulb morons of society.  This is their future.

 – Atalanta